I think that most of my escapism is due to the fact that I don’t know. Ignorance is not something I particularly like but what’s even worse is when the answer comes and I deem it unsatisfactory. As much as I like truth, it is inconvenient.
For the introspective out there, have you ever had this problem where you are talking about yourself but it feels like you couldn’t possibly be talking about yourself? You contemplate or write about some aspect of yourself that must be present to prop up some aspect of you but it seems so foreign it’s almost like you’re making up an answer (albeit a sensible, logical one) to explain what’s going on with you.
No one? Just me? Okay.
But that’s what I’m experiencing here. Clearly I have some beef with not knowing things. And yet, I chose a career and a path that is shaky. Right now, I’m doing a screenwriting course and for the first time in over ten years I genuinely feel like I have a shot at doing what I want to do and living off of it.
I don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch though. There have been so many things in my life that seemed like done deals that were anything but. The reason for that is because of those pesky unknown unknowns.
In terms of career, yeah, there has been a steady drum of discomfort from not knowing if my eccentric desires will materialize and even a wish that I would just stick with the tried and true and boring. At least it’s secure.
But this unease from uncertainly can seep into relationships too. People love you, until they don’t. You feel a rich connection but it cannot override the subconscious programming that will destroy something that would otherwise be effortless, simple and obvious. But initially, you have no idea what’s in store. You’re optimistic. Or maybe you’ve been jaded enough to drop optimism altogether.
When I think of relationships I can’t help but feel that I was sold a lie, not by the girls but about relationships in general. That shit doesn’t make you happy at all. Furthermore, you technically had a relationship before your “relationship”, which was fine and dandy. But once you sign up for the “real” relationship, that’s when the expectations roll in and destroy everything.
For those who have the great relationship, I say bravo. I’m still trying to break the repetitive cycles. For those who have the career, bravo. I hope to join you in security. And yet, I know that not having these things isn’t what’s bugging me. It’s my inability to be okay without having them, or the inability to be okay with not knowing if they will be okay.
Okay, so it’s days later since I wrote that last paragraph. It apparently short-circuited my mind and something changed. I like when that happens. It means I get it deeply. We’ll see how deep soon enough.
What ended up happening when I was gone was that I just surrendered to not knowing. In doing so, I realised that there’s no way anything can grow in certainty. This might sound strange but I kind of get that sentiment that the only way order can arrive is through chaos. It’s like trying to build a building where there’s a building. You need space to create and mentally, that means not knowing, being uncertain.
Nothing new can come about if we have the notion that nothing new can be done. We have to be open to the possibility that maybe there’s another way, maybe there’s something different.
We want security but isn’t the best security to not need security? If I continue to need it, I’ll never actually experience being secure because I’ll always be anxious that I’m not secure.
Sometimes I think the only reason I’ve gotten this far is because I’ve just gotten fed up enough and discarded what simply made no sense to keep.
So be it.