Why Girls Eat Your Food

You’re hungry and like a good boyfriend or husband, you ask your significant other if they would also like something to eat. They say that they do not, you ask if they are sure, they say no, you ask if they are sure, they say no. Okay.

You then go to the food establishment of choice and procure your sustenance of choice from the menu items. You ask if the ice cream machine is working since it is perennially out of service. It is not working, they say. You feel like you’re being lied to but, okay.

You have obtained the food! Hurray. You are on the way home and you may be having some finger food on the way home, if not the entire meal because you are so hungry. When suddenly, you feel like somebody’s watching you.

Is it Google? Well, of course it is. But there’s someone else watching you. Oh, it’s the lady in your life — your significant other.

Hmm, this is strange. Why would she be looking at you? I mean, you’re no Micheal B. Jordan. Hell, you’re not even Michael Jordan. On a good day, you’re a skinny Anthony Alexander (possibly due to starvation). But she knows this. Ohhhh, she’s not staring at my face because I’m mildly (un)attractive, it’s because she wants food.

“I thought you said you weren’t hungry,” I challenge.

“Yeah but, since you have some fries, can I have some please?”

You question why the word “please” disarms you. Isn’t that what decent people say to each other all the time? You then process the request without the “please”. It’s true. “Please” does make a difference. But you haven’t answered her question in the time you took to question the significance of manners.

Well, that’s okay. Because she has already procured your fries like some sort of entitled raccoon. You journey home, demoralized and still pretty hungry.

The question is, why does this happen? It seems to be a universal incident. Aliens come to Earth to pick up a cow or two and before he knows it his alien ladyfriend is already done with the intestines.

The reason girls do this is because they don’t care. They do it because they can. They do it because to pilfer legitimate foodstuffs is their bread and butter, pun not intended. But they will take that too provided it was bought at a Denny’s or other restaurant. Have you ever seen them take from a plate of home-cooked food? Me neither.

What is the solution? The solution, as it is for most things, is to stand firm and declare that you will not be tolerating such behaviour. You may also liken it to when she admits to being hungry, she tells you to choose any place to eat, you choose one and she rejects it. By the time you’ve listed every restaurant, you are being satiated by the carbs of your heated argument.

When standing firm, you don’t exactly show her who’s boss (because “boss” is an emotionally-charged word with connotations that can be easily misconstrued), but you illustrate your frustrations with being hungry, having the opportunity to alleviate the hunger and then having it snatched from you by someone you love who is channeling an animal which evolved to look like a criminal ready for a bank heist.

Does this solution work? No.

Just buy two meals and go home.