We Had the Sexual Revolution. Now it’s Time for the Connection Revolution.

Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash

It is easy to take for granted the sexual liberties we now enjoy. And while we still have some more battles to fight, it is clear for all to see that sex is not as taboo as it was before the 1960s.

From the pill to pornography, from masturbation to premarital sex, the world has returned to celebrating sexual union instead of shaming it and policing it. Those with “alternative” sexualities are freer to be who they are and the chastity of a woman isn’t as scrutinized.

But as I said, we still have more battles to fight.

We must admit that people have been irresponsible as they sexually abuse others. Teenage pregnancies became a new epidemic. People clung to sex to tell them who they were.

However, these issues are not due to sexual liberation. It’s due to a lack of respect of others and self, a lack of education and a lack of self-love.

The lives that were cut short, curtailed or failed to launch because of puritanical ideologies helped no one. The inability to express the love you have for someone is maddening. The inability to choose your sexual destiny is imprisonment. The inability to accept one’s emotions regarding sex only triggers self-hate which spills out onto others.

Not only is it painful, it’s just impractical.

In romantic relationships, there are (typically) two components: sex and connection. Prior to the sexual revolution, both were treated woefully. If the man wanted sex, the woman had to submit. Not to mention sex being defined in a hetero-normative way.

I guess all gay men and women were virgins back then.

As for connection, I’m not so sure anyone considered that aspect. Many people don’t think about it now. Apparently, if there is a romantic/sexual link, that’s all the sole ingredient necessary for a relationship because a romantic relationship is about sex.

Similarly, business relationships are about business, family relationships are about the dynamic of each family member. It isn’t so much about the intimacy of looking at who someone is and endorsing their self-expression.

But the truth is, if one wants a healthy relationship, it is crucial for each person to take stock of who the other person is and to accept them for who they are. You don’t have to agree with everything they think or do.

A sexual liberation does not mean that love is liberated. Love and sex aren’t the same thing, and if there was one thing that some of the sexual revolution got a bit twisted was that love and sex were one and the same. This is understandable, of course. One sometimes leads to the other. But it isn’t always the case. Some people have sex without love just for the sake of the act itself and others for selfish gain.

In the past, people thought that they could not have sex unless they were in a relationship, specifically a marriage. And today, people think that they cannot have a connection without a relationship.

People fall all over each other to find “The One” or at least someone they hope they can stomach in a partnership that will hopefully last until death do they part.

But in doing so, they ignore the connections and love they already have with friends, family or even exes and failed romances.

Connection was never exclusive to romance but that is what we seem to believe. They say that sex is easy but connection is rare. But is that really true, or are we solely looking for connection is a long-term romantic relationship?

The connection revolution I am calling for is similar to the sexual revolution in the sense that sex does not need to be in the context of a marriage; and connection does not need to be in the context of a romance.

Deep down, we know this. We have connections that aren’t necessarily romantic or sexual with friends and family. But we still chase after connection and love as if we don’t have it.

And when we think from this place of lack, we then unknowingly create a lack of connection in our romantic relationships. At best we find the connection, but then sabotage it.

If we first acknowledge that we’ve made the mistake that we seek connection primarily or only in romance and secondly we become thankful and foster the connections we do have, the pang of loneliness we feel due to not having a significant other will fade.

This is not to kill the desire for connection in romance. This isn’t me saying romantic relationships don’t matter because one can get love and connection from other relationships. It is to remind one that connection and love are in more than one place.

And when we know this and live this, the suffering of being single disappears. If you’ve ever wondered how single people can genuinely be happy, this is how they do it.

They liberated themselves a long time ago. I think we all should.

Former Edu. Psychologist | Current Writer | Constant Learner | “By your stumbling the world is perfected.”

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store