“Ultimately, true love and true freedom are the same.” — David Deida
I remember the debates I had with an ex about whether or not possessiveness was loving.
When she quizzed me about why I didn’t ask about some guy she mentioned or why I didn’t demand that she stop talking to the guys in her life, I answered that I trusted that she valued our relationship, so I had no need to grill her.
In hindsight, we were both foolish. I was being grilled about not grilling her on possibly cheating and still believed that we could stay together. She, on the other hand, needed reassurance that I was faithful in the only way that she was familiar with: interrogation and ultimatums.
Some friends of mine said that they liked when someone was possessive or jealous because it made them feel highly desired. They were right. They were highly desired. But their desire for love and to give love would never be met.
We often have these problematic beliefs about love and then complain about the love we receive in our lives. My ex and my friends were both examples of this, but so was I.
I too had a certain problematic level of possessiveness within. I would feel self-conscious if I had to interact with someone my romantic partner or potential romantic partner used to be with. The less I trusted my partner, the more insecure I felt.
It was as if the woman used to belong to them, and now she’s mine. But now that they’re around, am I going to be deserted?
If someone said it this way to me back in the day, I would heavily deny it and denounce possessiveness. But the way I was feeling inside highlighted a different story than the one I was espousing.
The fact that some of these scenarios were only potential relationships made it all the more embarrassing once the realization set in. Yes, these women have their problems, but so do I.
Freedom is Love (and vice versa)
When you consider that love and freedom are one and the same, there is a stomach pang that comes up, isn’t there? And the magnitude of it depends on how much control is a major part of your romances.
Love is a precious resource and people are cutthroat when it comes to securing The One, or at least someone who can give them the love and validation that they aren’t giving themselves.
Therefore, all sorts of measures are put in place to get a partner and to keep them. Such is the desperation.
It’s almost as if people don’t think that someone would want to give love to them… because that’s exactly what the issue is. But where does this belief come from?
There is a lack of self-love and it manifests itself in coercing people into loving you. Just as one would put a lock on their front door so that no one could throw out their stuff and just move in, that is what we do in romance.
But people aren’t material objects. They aren’t to be controlled or owned. They are free to do whatever they want and when that is infringed on, the person being controlled is bound to feel either scared or resentful.
If you struggle with being fully loving, try giving the person you love complete freedom. If you find that you cannot do it, you’re not capable of loving this person right now.
You’re too afraid of losing them, which means you don’t think you’re enough of a catch for them to want to stay committed to you. Maybe you’ll come up with some excuse like men are dogs or women are manipulative liars. Some men and women are like that but clearly there are people who find themselves in successful relationships. Why not you?
Work on your self-love. See yourself as a catch. Know your worth. Accept your flaws because all have them. Be the person you want to be not because you despise who you are now, but because you want better for yourself.
Or, what you could do is give yourself complete freedom. How empowering would that feel? What excuses are you now going to drop about yourself? What is your new standard of excellence? How are you treating yourself and thinking of yourself after giving yourself the greatest gift you could ever bestow on anyone?
If you take the chains off yourself, the chains you burdened others with automatically go because the way you love others is just as reflection of how you love yourself.
And voila! Your capacity to love has multiplied.