“How do you know they aren’t the one? At the first sight of total disregard for your hurt, your gut will feel uneasy. I’m reminding you to listen up.” — Alfa Holden
I think the great irony of dating is that as you sit down for that first date or as soon as you talk for the first time, something inside of you knows the fate of the relationship.
You know exactly where this is going. You see the problems, the incompatibility and the trauma that they refuse to address. But you’re going for it anyway.
“Who knows? Maybe it’ll all work itself out,” you say.
But you said that the last time. And your friends say the same thing in their relationships that you can clearly see are doomed.
And I wish I could tell you there’s some complicated reason as to why we see the issues and go ahead with it. But there isn’t. It’s such a painfully simple answer but it is the bedrock of why we are obsessed with romance in the first place.
For the past five years, I read every single person I liked. And if I couldn’t read them, that made it all the more obvious that I should stay away. In retrospect, I’m stunned that I got it right to the extent that I did.
This isn’t some great talent that only I possess. Many of us can predict when or how our relationships will fail. But even if you can’t predict the future, it doesn’t matter. People cannot help but reveal who they are, which gives us ample opportunity to leave.
Here’s the reason you didn’t leave: you craved love.
Like I said, it’s a simple explanation, but it explains literally everything.
When you are starving, you will eat anything. When you’re broke, you will take any job that’s paying. And when you’re horny or lonely, you will date whatever’s available.
Quality isn’t a factor that matters as much as availability. If someone is saying yes to you, despite the fact that you feel weird about them, you will shovel them into your mouth and fill the void within.
And for a while, it’s good enough. The starvation is over. But then you start to feel sick, you might even throw up. Whoops, now you’re hungry again. Better go get some more food (if you want to call it that).
You will throw up again and again. People will tell you to stop eating it, but it is what is available. And you’re not going to starve, are you?
But eventually, when you’re on the operating table because you’ve been destroying your body so that you could fill an emotional void, you will stop eating junk. You will end the relationship.
Unfortunately, you did it because it became life or death. You probably didn’t learn the lesson because there was too much emotional and physical duress.
Here is the lesson: you don’t need to crave love because you already are love.
Seems too good to be true to some. To others it sounds like an aphorism to make people feel better about themselves.
But to others, it makes perfect sense because once you see it, you can’t unsee it. You may temporarily forget but you will always remember.
When you shift from your ego state of lack into pure awareness, you suddenly find that peace is flooding your body. You are not your ego because you are the one who is perceiving the thoughts that you need to be with somebody or that all the good girls/guys are gone or that you need to keep your relationship because you can’t lose the little morsel of love that you found.
Drop the morsel and pick up a five-course meal. But bear in mind, the five-course meal isn’t another person.
When you shift into awareness, into innocent observation, the mentality of lack disappears and then you can just live your life. You will naturally love because that’s just what people do. You hear a great song, you love it. You watch a fantastic movie, you love it. It isn’t that the song or the movie is perfect, but you have a strong affinity for it despite its flaws or the minor changes you would’ve preferred.
You don’t seek to change it because you value it as it is. In a way, it is perfect. You don’t love it because it is something outside of yourself that you can love. You love it because you can’t help it.
This is the same in our relationships. You meet people and despite their quirks, there is no part of you that needs them to change. You accept them as they are, and it isn’t required that they love and accept you back.
With the ego mind disengaged, it may try to start trouble, but when you remain as the innocent observer, you innocently observe and continue to love because how can you not love what you value?
You can’t beat the mind at its own game. You just need to stop playing.
Okay, I’ll level with you. You may try to love from the ego state because it is more comfortable. But it is only more comfortable because you’re used to that state.
Moreover, I don’t know how to love from that state. I know how to be infatuated, for sure. But eventually, the mind will bring up some idea of lack or resistance to upset everything. And if you’re with someone who is also doing the same, well… good luck.
Because when I think about it, the reason I was able to predict my demises was because each woman had some fear-based thing going on inside. They couldn’t hide it because to them they were being perfectly normal, maybe even superior to normal people.
They had a vested interest in behaving the way they did which revealed to me that it wasn’t going to work. Yet I still ignored the red flags because I wanted love/sex/companionship. I had my own fear-based thinking going on.
Ultimately, I had to stop and consider that if I’m thinking from a place of lack or fear, wouldn’t I just be seeing evidence of lack and fear? If you are thinking that men are trash or women are manipulative, wouldn’t you only see evidence of that?
It’s simple confirmation bias. And with no good men or women left, you date leftovers.
So do yourself a favor. Snap out of the egoic self and be the observer. Not only will you be truly loving, life feels so much better when you’re not constantly thinking about what you don’t have.
“Love is a state of being. Your love is not outside, it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you.” — Eckhart Tolle