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The Primary Thought that Blocked Me from Healthy Relationships
My ex-girlfriend brought to my attention a few years ago that I might not actually want a committed relationship. I was confused and asked her why. She said that I didn’t act like I wanted her enough and I seemed too passive.
I dismissed her reasoning because I had spent years trying to be with her, but the sentiment that I might not want a relationship never left me. It would pop in and out of my mind but I did nothing about it.
Fast forward to the present day. I’ve been interested in getting into another relationship but I realised that I was too focused on and complaining about not having one. I realised I had to shift to the possibility of having one.
That seemed simple enough, so I did it. I imagined myself in a relationship with someone I admire, but something strange happened. I didn’t feel like how I expected to feel. I felt… stressed.
I restarted the visualization, but sure enough, I still felt stressed. The girl looked content, but I clearly wasn’t.
That’s when it dawned on me — my ex was right.
I didn’t actually want a relationship. I wanted to pine after someone. It wasn’t the actual relationship that I wanted, but the vicissitudes of romance; the emotional highs and lows. But why? To find that out I…
