My Problem with the Red Pill’s Stance on Relationships

Photo by Dmitry Bayer on Unsplash

I recently came across one of the major books behind the red pill community. Rollo Tomassi’s The Rational Male is damn near required reading for a red pill neophyte. Many men say it changed their lives.

Within the book, Tomassi has nine “iron rules” for men to abide by as they navigate the dating world.

One of the rules, iron rule 6, seems central to the red pill ideology. It states that, “Women are fundamentally incapable of loving a man in the way that a man expects to be loved by a woman. Men believe that love matters for the sake of it. Women love opportunistically.”

Tomassi states that this rule is a bitter pill to swallow because the notion that we have been inculcated to believe is that women are the romantics when the reality is that it is men who are the real romantics as they wine, dine and woo women.

Indeed, the red pill itself is a bitter pill to swallow.

There is no shortage of articles slating the red pill community on Reddit for their misogynistic, sexist and even homophobic and transphobic content.

But in my opinion, to see the red pill community in this black and white way is to give into the same black and white thinking that red-pillers themselves are guilty of.

Some men actually benefit from the elementary suggestions of taking care of oneself, realizing that women are not all angels (which is also black and white thinking) and putting an end to their codependent tendencies.

Others drink the kool-aid and apparently forget that while the world is cynical, it is not all cynical.

As I wrote earlier, Tomassi states that women are fundamentally incapable of loving a man in the way that they should be loved. How should a man be loved? For who he is.

If you take a man’s money, status, power and social cache from him, will the woman still be there? If he becomes an invalid, will the woman still be there? When he has failed her and himself, will the woman still be there?

No, she won’t. Why? Because a woman’s hypergamous nature makes it impossible.

Hypergamy is the practice of someone of a lower social strata marrying someone of a higher social strata. It is typical of those who practice Hinduism and was also done in feudal Europe. Women were typically the ones of the lower strata and men of the higher strata.

In red pill doctrine, this practice still occurs today where women will seek out the rich and attractive man — which is true. It does still occur and you’d have to be blind or willfully ignorant to deny this.

However, to believe that every single woman on Earth does this would also render you blind or willfully ignorant.

NBA point guard Derrick Rose and two of his friends were accused of raping a woman in 2013. The men denied the accusation but in addition, Rose stated that the NBA put him through the “Rookie Transition Program” where he had classes on sex. He was taught to flush condoms down the toilet or to take the used condom with him after sex.

Seems like the NBA knows something we all do. There are women who are predatory. They look to secure money from star athletes whether from a rape accusation or for child support.

So we can all agree that hypergamy is a thing but what we also must agree on is that not all women are lining up to pleasure a star athlete, wealthy musician or business mogul.

But it seems impossible for a red-piller to believe that a girl could fall for and remain committed to the boy next door, a high school sweetheart, a co-worker, a random person on the street or someone who has the same social status.

To be honest, I mostly see people getting into relationships with people of the same class. The rich marry the rich. The poor marry the poor. The middle marry the middle. Hypergamy is real but is isn’t the norm.

Also, it isn’t that relationships are perfect but it isn’t as cutthroat as the red pill community often make it out to be. Again, I’m not saying that it never cutthroat. But it is not the reality for everyone.

In the same way a narcissistic man will seek out a codependent woman to fulfill his needs, a woman can also play the role of narcissist.

So when a red-piller drops his testimony in the church of r/RedPill about how a woman did him wrong, the red flags are always there. But it was his weak boundaries and his belief that all women are perfect angels that prevented him from realizing the shady situation he was in.

As much as the red pill community love to talk about female biology, they fail to mention anything about human psychology and our unconscious tendencies to replicate the love relationships we experienced as children.

The world of a red-piller isn’t unique. I got my heart broken several times too. I can relate to many of their stories. The difference is that I knew something about my psychology was the issue whereas they broke bread over their similar misadventures.

They had an echo chamber to reinforce their victim narratives. They were fed palatable truths which were mere appetizers for the main course of half-truths.

When they ditch the nice guy act and become cold, they tend to get the girl. Now they are a red pill disciple for life.

What they don’t realize is that they are attracted to the same girls who are psychologically programmed to choose people who treat them badly because that’s how they were raised.

You’re finally giving them what they subconsciously wanted.

But if you were to try these same tactics with a girl who had high self-esteem, it would never work. Why? Because no one in their right mind would want to be with someone who is cold and detached, or purely hypergamous.

Regardless, it doesn’t matter to the red-piller. Because as they constantly attract the same type of woman and their tactics of bedding these women continue to work, they continue to preach their gospel.

So at the risk of being a blue-pilled beta, I have to say that this iron rule doesn’t hold much weight.

But I’m not saying it doesn’t hold some weight.

I realized from a young age that many if not most women seemed to be drawn to a certain type of guy. He’s rich, successful and attractive. He’s a triple threat.

Tomassi is spot on when he wrote that men want to be loved for who they are. But where he goes completely off the rails is failing to mention that many men do not love women for who they are.

Moreover, women want to be loved for who they are but many women do not love men for who they are.

Do you see how slippery this iron rule is? Do you see how the man is framed as righteous and the woman is framed as evil? Do you see that by flipping the script, the narrative isn’t farfetched at all?

If a red-piller ever came to me and said that he loves women for who they are, it wouldn’t matter because I and many men I know have failed to love women for who they are. Heck, many men I don’t know fail to love women for who they are.

So there you have it. As it turns out, both men and women can be unloving hypocrites.

When a woman stops looking attractive and being feminine, some men tend to lose interest and want another woman.

When a guy fails to uphold his masculine frame and duties, some women tend to lose interest and want another man.

Sometimes the woman is still looking good and the man is still masculine but sometimes their partners still cheat. The man impregnates another woman; the woman gets pregnant for another man.

Red pill men aren’t as righteous or shrewd as they think. They’re selfish. I don’t use this as an indictment of them because I too have my selfish moments. Humans in general are pretty self-centered.

But this is where the red pill dissolves completely. The effect is gone. In order to relive the red pill experience, you’ll have to take another dosage.

When it comes to relationships, everyone wants to be loved for who they are. To be accepted by someone you accept is awesome.

But the truth is that human beings are flawed. The challenge of a committed relationship is learning to accept the good, the bad and the ugly insofar that you are not sacrificing yourself for acceptance.

If two people are not committed to this, the relationship will fail. You may stay together but the quality of the relationship will suffer.

This is the most difficult thing to do. How can you accept something you dislike? You have to make the decision to accept it.

In doing so, you may realize that while you can accept the trait you don’t like, you realize that you two are incompatible and the relationship has to end. Or, you realize that the trait wasn’t a threat to the relationship at all. It was just a preference.

You’re starting to learn how to love people for who they are, and it feels just as good as when someone looks at the things they didn’t like about you and they are able to accept it.

The opposite sex isn’t your enemy. They aren’t hurting you because they have some vendetta against you and your sex. It’s really about what’s going on inside themselves, so don’t take what they do personally.

That’s how you fall into victimhood.

Instead, consider therapy to alleviate any remaining resentment of past relationships and to address what you subconsciously believed about women and love.

Talk to couples who have successful relationships. Listen to podcasts featuring relationship experts who will give you the facts about relationships. They’ll definitely cite the same studies that you use to back up your arguments that women are unfaithful, but with the benefit that they aren’t biased.

Just because one party is guilty more often doesn’t mean that the other party is never guilty. It may also mean that one party is more honest about their indiscretions.

You’ll probably have some withdrawal symptoms from popping those pills but just wait it out. Sobriety will come.

Former Edu. Psychologist | Current Writer | Constant Learner | “By your stumbling the world is perfected.”

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