I remember the first time I learnt what a utopia was. I was a teenager when I read the word in tenth grade literature class. I believed that humanity’s only goal was to head in the direction of a perfect world.
Moreover, I couldn’t understand why people believed that a utopia was an unachievable goal. I thought they were just being pessimistic.
Then I got older and I understood what people wiser than I were saying. I also learnt about the political ideologies that promised a perfect world. But when these ideologies were put into practice, they actually created hell on earth.
The truth is, people are trying to create a utopia every single day in the arms and with the genitals of someone else.
You meet someone and think they’re amazing. They think you’re amazing too. You sleep together. Again, amazing. You decide to be together and for a while it’s pretty amazing.
And then it’s not. Actually, it’s hell on earth.
You do this maybe a dozen more times, maybe more. But you’ll keep doing it because you haven’t figured out that you are using another person to achieve stability, pleasure, love and affection for yourself.
Yes, of course you are trying to create this same utopia for your partner. But here’s the irony. Firstly, neither of you agreed to do that. It was all implied but never spoken about. Secondly, you will “cause” them to feel all these amazing things and you will also be the reason the relationship goes to hell in a hand-basket in a hailstorm during a holocaust.
Why? Because you’re just using them. And they’re using you. And when you both fail each other, you both will be upset. Maybe there will be some reconciliation but eventually you either will separate or stay together in bitterness.
There is no such thing as a utopia because nothing is perfect. But it is imperative to investigate why you’re trying to create a perfect world for yourself in the first place.
The details will vary from person to person but overall, the reason people fall into this trap is because they weren’t loved enough. It’s the same for those who try to create absolute peace on Earth. They noted the lack of love and happiness in the world and tried to create the means for everyone (or the people they cared about) to get it.
But when someone got in the way of their idyllic ideation, they became wicked. They could not love someone who was standing in the way of their dream world. And it is the same with romance.
It could be that your partner doesn’t do their fair share of chores. It could be that your partner has contracted an illness that is potentially life-threatening. It could be that your partner is good but someone else might be a better partner for you. It could be that your partner is close to perfection if it wasn’t for their kid from another relationship or their crazy family or their wacky belief system.
A lot of us think we want a relationship and we promise to never leave our partner, but isn’t that the infatuation talking? We want to make a beautiful life together but because we so desperately want the storybook (or in other words, fictional) romance, we create hell.
We want a perfect love life but that might involve breaking some hearts, betraying ourselves, waiting for things to change or a host of any other calamities that can kick the legs out of any relationship.
Any way you look at it, people come with awesome traits but they also come with problems too. That’s the nature of life. We think we want perfection but we only know perfection when imperfection exists. We could only experience what is good because of the experience of what is bad.
We live in a relative world, and so we will experience the highs and lows of life. We weigh people up in our minds to try and find the best situation while they do the exact same things to us because nobody’s perfect.
And this is why no one really wants a relationship. We want perfection but when we inevitably fail to get it, we huff and puff and get miserable. We try again, we fail again and we get miserable again.
As far as I can tell, there’s only one solution to all of this. We have to be invested in the totality of our partners. This means that each partner has to consciously decide to love the good, the bad and the ugly. They have to willingly sign up for pleasure and pain because they truly value their partner.
If this sounds too much to ask, that is perfectly fine. It is asking a lot. You would need time to get to know someone. You would want to see them in various circumstances. You would definitely want to see the upsides but you would also, in a weird sort of way, want conflict or some issue to arise in order to know how you both deal with it.
If you just want to have a good time, again, that’s totally fine. But you don’t really want a relationship, do you? You want a good time. Relationships are good sometimes. But when it’s not and your partner needs you, you aren’t going to be there in the capacity that they need.
And if they’re like you, they aren’t going to be there for you in the way you need them to be either.
It’s no wonder that some people choose casual dating or hookup culture. They know they don’t want a relationship because they’re aware of the gravity of commitment. They may be honest but some are trying to avoid their fear of commitment.
So be honest with yourself. Do you really want to commit to someone? Are you interested in serving someone even when it doesn’t benefit you? Are you willing to go through pain that will be the test to determine the strength of the connection?
As I said, relationships can be a lot of fun but that’s the easy part. What are you going to do when it’s not so easy anymore?
We rendezvous with those who are just as committed as us. So if you really want a relationship, are you truly committed to knowing your partner inside and out? Will you decide to love them? Or are you more interested in keeping it light and having fun?
Remember, either option is fine. Just be honest with yourself and with those you’re hooking up with.