Member-only story
Love is Not a Reward for Good Behavior
Your relationship with your parents went one of two ways.
They either accepted you for who you were, whether or not you did what they wanted you to do; or they rejected you or tried to change you when you failed to do what they wanted you to do.
If they rejected you and then you did what they wanted, you were fine. But you could never really feel secure to express what you wanted to.
Also, you could never really be yourself. You were just an extension of them. You needed to prop up their self-image and self-esteem.
It isn’t that the first type of parenting I mentioned earlier was neglectful and that the child was never reprimanded or encouraged to consider safe options. Guidance is an imperative aspect of parenting.
It’s just that the child was never made to feel that they were wrong for liking what they like, being fearful of things that intimidated them or being angry at things that upset them. They were allowed to be who they were and to express themselves.
In a word, they were validated.
On the other hand, kids who were invalidated growing up become adults who cannot validate themselves. They second-guess and overthink everything they do. Many grow up to become perfectionists because as children they needed to appease…
