Love Can Make You Fall Out of Love

I know this sounds weird but let me explain.

Jason Henry
5 min readApr 23, 2020


Photo by Anneliese Phillips on Unsplash

What does it mean to love someone? I think it boils down to two components.

1. It means to make the decision to accept someone as they are. It doesn’t mean you agree with them about everything or endorse everything that they do, but you acknowledge who they are as a person. They are seen.

2. It means to bring someone close to you. Fear, the opposite of love, is to push someone away; to deny or reject them. Therefore, love is to bring someone close to you but not close to the point that they are a part of you.

The notion that love is someone being a part of you is dangerous because if that person dies or betrays you, it will feel like a part of you died or betrayed yourself. We see this all the time and have probably experienced this ourselves.

We can even suffer in this way when it comes to activities we love. When a gardener falls ill and cannot tend to her garden, the thing she loves, her health can rapidly deteriorate.

So how does love link to falling out of it?

When we meet someone, they are showing their best selves. So are you. The initial meetups may be good enough for you both to decide to get into a relationship.

Or maybe you don’t even make it to the official relationship part, but over time, the cracks start to appear. You both clash on a decision. Values are not in alignment. Subconscious thoughts about love are running the show and sabotaging the relationship.

But love is a decision, and so you power through. You both see more cracks but also repairs. You both go through more pain but also more pleasure. There is growth and you are both healthier than when you entered the relationship.

This sounds great but it doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship will go the distance. In seeing who this person is, inside and out, you may realize that this isn’t what you want.

Their life path isn’t the same as yours. You can’t support one another in the way you would want a romantic partner to support you. Their values are diametrically opposed to yours. Or maybe as you both continued to fight for your love, you realized what you…



Jason Henry

Former Edu. Psychologist | Current Writer | Constant Learner | “By your stumbling the world is perfected.”