I think back to when I was an undergraduate and trying to get the animated series my friends and I created on air. The rigmarole, the stress, the roadblocks. Having to re-strategize, graduating university, still not getting anywhere and even ending up in debt.
I also remember the relationships that could’ve been, should’ve been. The heartbreak and disappointment. The confusion.
And now, here I am watching in hindsight perfectly content that none of those things worked out and seeing exactly why they wouldn’t. My ego was too big. I wouldn’t be able to take criticism, much less notes. I’d probably self-sabotage. As for relationships, I would either be too possessive or too intimidated — all symptoms of a low self-image.
We all have an idea of what we think will make us happy. Unfortunately, that’s a bad place to start. It implies that you’re discontent with what is. Well, there’s a reason for that and you’d probably be better off addressing that than getting something to make you feel good.
It’s often not something we think about. Plus, we see happy people doing this and having that, so we assume that happiness will be found in those activities and with those objects.
For the reasons I mentioned above, I would’ve completely destroyed myself and not yet have the means to put the pieces back together. I thought life was holding me back from happiness. Turns out it was holding me back from obliteration.
Years later, life would cease to spare me and start to tease or sometimes flat out give me what I wanted. A number of those things really hurt. I was destroyed on a couple of occasions.
And now, here I am watching in hindsight perfectly content that none of those things worked out and seeing exactly why they didn’t.
But some things are still hazy. There’s uncertainty that cannot be settled because I keep shaking up the snow globe and so I can’t see the little house inside. It’s just a lot of obstruction. Life has a way of knocking you down so you have no choice but to surrender to reality and to stop trying to change things.
You think you control your life but what if that’s just ego talking? Of course he’s gonna say that you can control your life. He’s the last person that’ll go down without a fight, and yet that’s exactly why we’re going down, isn’t it?
But then you hear those stories of people who fought their way to the top and blah blah blah. How much of that is embellished? Did they really fight, or was it a natural consequence of their actions and mindset? When has fighting ever really worked out for me? Not often. Probably never. Usually I get knocked out cold and yield to reality.
And that’s just it. People tell you to never accept what’s in front of you and just keep pushing until you have the reality you want. But I can’t think of a single time that that has ever worked for me. Am I alone in this?