Once upon a time, a boy approached a great oracle seeking wisdom. The boy found the wise man seated under a tree and asked him, “Great oracle, how do I achieve my dreams?” The oracle replied, “Never chase them. It implies that they are running away from you.”
The boy, perplexed from the oracle’s answer asked another question, “How do I get a girl?” The oracle replied, “Never chase them. It implies that they are running away from you.”
Sometimes we want something or someone really badly and will do anything to get what we want. We think that our intense desire will make us get it.
Too bad that’s never how it works.
The reason people chase a relationship is because they think that the other person is above them in some way. There’s a power differential in the relationship dynamic and as a result, it’s unlikely anything will ever happen.
So not only is it super frustrating to show this other person that you want to start a relationship with them, you won’t even succeed in having it.
They are painfully aware that you want them. But because you have them on a pedestal, what are they supposed to do? Drop down to your level? They aren’t going to do that and neither would you.
But this is only scratching the surface of this insidious dynamic.
Relationship expert Stephan Labossiere said, “How you start is typically how you finish.” So imagine putting in a crazy amount of effort to get some guy or girl, and despite your crazed affection, you succeed.
After some time, you start to get comfortable because you’re remembering your self-worth and not prioritizing them all the time.
A funny thing may happen. They may want to end the relationship.
Why? Because the other person wants to be chased. They don’t want to be on equal level with you. You fell for someone who was viewing you as prey for their ego.
They can’t afford for you to be on equal footing and they will start to sabotage the relationship. Your commitment will be called into question and you will fall back in line, proving to them that they are the sun that you revolve around.
This person doesn’t want a partner. They want a fan. And that fanatic is you. After all, it’s how you presented yourself in the beginning.
Thusly, how you started is how you will finish. That is, unless you wise up and leave the relationship.
So while it’s pretty messed up for someone to get their kicks by seeing you as beneath them, you have to take responsibility for your role in this. You have to improve your self-esteem.
No one is inherently better than anyone else. It doesn’t matter if they are wiser, richer, more attractive or friendlier than you.
Admire them for their strengths but also acknowledge and accept their weaknesses. It will make them human again. It will topple the idol. It will help to restore your self-respect.
People know who they are based on their comparisons with others. In most populations, I would be considered introverted, but there are the rare few where I would be among the more extroverted.
This implies that my traits could be viewed as strengths or weaknesses depending on the group or setting I’m in. As a result, it isn’t smart to get my self-esteem from comparison. Instead, I have to value myself, regardless of where I am or who I’m with.
So even if someone I like has admirable traits that I don’t have, I won’t see them as better than me. They are just who they are and I celebrate them just as I celebrate myself.
And if I can’t celebrate myself, then I would make a list of what I value and seek to become the best version of myself based on that list.
What really drove this home for me was remembering elementary school. There were kids who did the most when trying to make friends.
It made the other kids wary of them. You couldn’t help but wonder why they were trying to push friendship like a used car salesman.
I remember this because I was on both sides. I was afraid of what it meant to not have someone to play with. But then you remember that you’re enough and the fear goes away.
Suddenly, the friends show up. It’s the same with romance.
If you aren’t enough for you, the people who truly accept you will never find you. You’ll be too busy chasing and people will be constantly running from you.
Give yourself a break and stop chasing. Desperation never got the job done anyway.
Be calm and comfortable in your own shoes and watch what happens.