As an introvert, I’m at my wits’ end with this pandemic.

Photo by Saneej Kallingal on Unsplash

When this all started, I felt absolutely no way about it. I work from home and I like being at home. If I wanted to go outside, I could just go for a walk around the neighborhood.

But for the past few weeks, cabin fever has engulfed my home and my neighborhood.

I’m not at the point where I’m screaming that I want my freedom but I can understand why someone would. They aren’t thinking. They aren’t paying attention to the tens of thousands who die every week around the world.

They are also not considering that they would be putting themselves at risk, which would just prolong the pandemic. It’s all about delaying gratification. You can get what you want, just not right now.

But hey, I get it.

I was thriving at first but now the isolation is just reminding me that it’s totally possible to have too much of a good thing.

I still have work to do. Do I want to do it? Not really. Why? Because there’s things that are more important right now. I’m crushing the work, but then I’m left in a malaise of boredom because… I need to socialize (there, I said it).

Being in the line to go to the supermarket is an event. It’s the event.

You’re excited to see people en masse even though we have to keep our distance. You scan the faces a bit more to savor the essence of someone that isn’t you, a relative, a close friend or your cat. Maybe some of them will make a cameo in a dream!

You maybe, sort of want to talk to them but they’re rushing, so let’s not bother them. And then you see it. The rudeness starts to emerge. The almond milk is done and apparently it’s the fault of the guy stacking the shelves. Got to look away. Don’t want to see that. Ah, yes. Someone’s getting something for an old lady who can’t reach it. That’s cool.

And you know you have to rush too because you don’t want to be in a line at checkout for too long. And yet, you kind of do. You want to relish the time away from home as much as possible.

But it’s inevitable, you’re back home and you’re back to the sweltering heat of cabin fever.

I started to drink more just to quiet my mind, but then the responsible me kicked in. I knew that I couldn’t continue this because it’ll become a habit (plus booze is expensive, at least where I’m from).

So now I just sit and allow myself to feel what I’m feeling. Basically, instead of avoiding the pain, I pay attention to it. I do this because it isn’t so much that the walls of my house are closing in. It’s the walls of my skull that are squeezing my brain into a tin of ennui and it probably has to do with some thought or another.

I usually do it for other issues, but this has yielded some insights that were trying to be expressed.

For example, I realized that I had been mismanaging my priorities. The drive for success (based on how I defined it) was a bit too important. My love for the people in my life was pretty great but was taking a back seat.

In reality, I could’ve had my love of my relationships fueling my work which would’ve driven me towards accomplishing my goals instead of just focusing on the glory of achievement itself.

Another thing that came up was the question of whether I really love my sister or not.

I do loving things and I care about her well-being, but I don’t really share what’s going on in my life. This is something I do with those closest to me, but it leads to me to admit that I’m not close to her.

Is that a bad thing? We had beef in the past but is that still a thing that colors the present? I don’t think so, but maybe I just want to be closer because she’s my sister, after all.

I factor in that I would have to make the effort to check on her on purpose. I have to ask about grad school and exams and the like. She had tonsillitis, which gave the family a bit of a scare. Fortunately, we got the antibiotics but I only checked on her once.

It seems I want to be closer but I’m not doing anything to achieve that.

And then at some point I realize that the brain-squeezing pain I felt before had lifted without my knowing. It’s a neat trick and it reveals some interesting things.

So if you’re interesting in neat tricks or interesting revelations, I recommend it. At the very least you’ll save money on drinks and give the TV a break.

Former Edu. Psychologist | Current Writer | Constant Learner | “By your stumbling the world is perfected.”

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