When it comes to romantic relationships, there is already a relationship. There is relating, after all. Neurologically, when romance is involved, the brain reacts as if a narcotic was just ingested. This is why when it comes to romance, it has to be considered a drug. It’s a mental drug. But it is definitely not love.
People who want a relationship may actually want it for the relationship itself; after all, you got to know this person and it was a good experience. However, it is the neurochemical cocktail that drives you crazy. That is what is causing you to constantly think about the other person.
If your neurotransmitters were operating normally (or when you fall out of love), you don’t act as nuts. You either decide to love, which can still carry a romantic/sexual component or you get into another relationship to regain that rush you first had.
However, one has to question why one chooses the people they choose. That can be answered by a look at one’s parents/caregivers and what one thinks love is. It is hard to study ourselves and to know what’s in our subconscious mind, but we find the answers in our external world.
There are trends in why or how relationships begin and end. We also have types. By looking at these factors and linking them to our parents/caregivers — or how we felt about their absence — we can see that who we like matches who our guardians were.
There are also cultural expectations of who one is supposed to date as well as the ideas one desires in a relationship. For example, people fetishize race, body parts, anything you can think of because something about that thing is enticing or familiar.
Largely, people were not loved (enough) by their parents. Some people look to religion to get this love, others look to friends. Most look for it in sexual/romantic relationships, sponsored by a tall glass of a neurotransmitter cocktail — and it makes sense. This “love” cocktail makes you feel alive. The lack of love in your life has made life feel quite drab. You might even say you feel dead inside.
So here’s the situation at hand: You meet someone and you like them. Subconsciously, you bookmark this person as someone to love you. However, this person is probably a parent/caregiver who couldn’t love you because your idea of love comes from the “love” you got from this parent/caregiver.
But what can you do? You need love! The subconscious is not going to stop its search for love until love is attained. So you date but of course, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t work for the same reasons that you felt inadequately loved by your parents. Now you’re stuck.
Moreover, if you never have relationships, it could be that you are trying to avoid the pain you suffered with your parents or past love relationships. So even though you might want one, you subconsciously hold yourself back from having one in order to protect yourself.
The first thing you have to do is to look at these trends. As I mentioned before, what are the recurring reasons for the end of the relationships? What are the recurring problems? Find how they link to what you think about love and how your parent treated you.
When you’ve made your list of these, make the decision to stop choosing those options that lead you to hell. You might not catch them all, but at least begin the spring cleaning so that the next time you date, you’ll have less headaches and heartaches.
Secondly, you probably can’t see your life without a romantic relationship. It’s like living life without a friend. It is totally possible for two people to connect. We see it all the time. It is also possible for two people to connect and be attracted to each other. It’s rarer when it is functional, but it happens.
The only thing I can say is that you have to love people without expecting anything in return. Let me give you an example within a different context. Let’s say I wanted to have a party. The party is something I want to do for myself and for others if they’re interested. I could make good money from this venture, but I might only make that primary if I believed I was financially insecure. But if I wasn’t worried about money, I would maintain my focus on making this event good for myself and others.
In a relationship, this relating is something you want for yourself and others if they’re interested. But if you are someone who needs love, that becomes the primary focus. Herein lies the problem. If you lack love, you will not be able to actually be loving. You will always be putting yourself first and expecting the other person to serve you. And chances are, they will be putting themselves first and expecting you to serve them.
Such a relationship cannot survive. In addition to being with people who match your idea or blueprint of what love is, people who lack inner love pick up others who lack inner love. It’s life’s way of showing you to yourself. Relationships are actually mirrors.
What you have to do here is reprogram yourself. You have to know that you are loved, and in doing so, you will no longer be programmed to choose people who are seeking love. You will rendezvous with those who are also loved.
How do you reprogram yourself? Repeat to yourself that you are loved after you wake up and before you go to sleep fifty times with the feeling that it is true. The feeling is absolutely crucial. You may feel a part of you saying that this isn’t true. When it comes up, accept the feeling. If you fight it, you lose. Instead, accept it and say, “I hear you, but I am letting go of this thought.”
In summation, the two solutions here are:
1. To look at the trends of your failed relationships and make decisions to not make those choices anymore, and
2. Repeat to yourself that you are loved.
Lastly, bear this in mind. If you ignore step 1 but do step 2, you will be loving but you will still be experiencing the pains of your parents/caregivers. If you do step 1 but ignore step 2, you will be attracted to healthier people, but you will question if you’re worthy of them.